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The Watchers Times

Treasures of Aht'Urhgan exciting, hard to spell
Many Gamestop employees unsure what it is

The latest effort from Square-Enix: The Treasures of Aht'Urhgan, is rapidly approaching. In fact, the FFXI expansion launches a scant 5 days from now (April 18th release).

SE has released a little more info on their website, including these two shots:

The frilliest pirate to ever fop on the seven seas!

Uh... SE, that's clearly a thunderfury.

In response, an FFXI cult called "The Watchers" has positively exploded with returning members, including their illustrious guild leader Raiiden (Lockee) and Frank, his loving gerbil.

With Frank by his, uh, side, Raii has led a push to finish as much CoP as possible before it becomes old potatoes. On Monday they entered Phomiumniania where they "wrastled some panties" from the local bestials. Sources say the minotaur killed only Lockee, which struck this reporter as entirely appropriate. Nevertheless, Confutatis and Undine finished CoP2. Congratulations to them, truly they are exemplary citizens.

This is what happens when you let a NINJA kill your NMs. You get no loot.

Diabolos says he got a bad rap
"It's because my name sounds like 'diablo,'" says devilman.

Riverne, and possibly even Diabolos, are slated for execution tonight (Thursday the 13th, 7pm Eastern). Event coordinator Raiiden says: "Don't miss it!"

Maybe you can even participate in a Risby assassination:

Looks like he was killed by a KATANa!

Beavers, Loot, not always compatible analogies
Study says weird analogies often confuse, don't inform

In the World of Warcraft, players have been busy beavers gnawing at the proverbial tree trunk of 1.10, building dams with their booty, and chucking menacingly at things eight times their size.

Large numbers of Watchers were seen "farming the hell out of" newly buffed instances, says a concerned Mother.

Nearby, a seemingly homeless man with a pony tail complained: "We're having damn poor luck, but much thanks and sympathy to everyone who stayed up past midnight yesterday so we could shard a pair of shaman gloves. Could you spare a dime?"

After the interview our reporter was forced to taser him twice.

Dragon kills many, likes pasta
Elderly British dragon enjoys dwarves, tortellini.

The "raiding scene," as kids often call it, has seen record growth over the last fiscal quarter. Onyxia runs (3pm Sundays) are up 100% thanks to renewed local cooperation with DoY Incorporated. The endeavers continue to sputter out around 40%, but gains are made every week.

Gehennas in Molten Core (Saturday 3pm) has also seen increased activity. Wall Street analysts say the newly enfranchised "raiders" have struggled to find homes for 2+ feral druid bracers every weekend, but overall feel their efforts are netting them profits. Consult chart 21b for a graph detailing the connection between pasta loving dragons and fiduciary responsibility.

Police shocked by flagarant act of Insectacide
His Centipediusness slain by angry mob Wednesday night

Police report that Kurinaxx, the centipede lord of the Ruins of Ahn'Qiraj (one mile east of Highway 9), was murdered last night. Autopsy concludes that upwards of 20 people surrounded him with weapons and "clubbed the crap out of him."

The victim

Upon arriving at the crime scene, Police Chief Lawdy O'Crimstopen was heard to say: "Oh God, where am I? Is that a giant friggen bug!? Aaah! Aah, that wasp is bigger than ME! Help! Helpaggghnh..."

The Inside Scoop
Carwin gives you the straight jive

Here's the deal on the bug ganking yo. An all-Watchers raid of 20 people met at the gates just after 8:00. We were just chillin' but the pigs were like "move it along punks" so we went inside cuz Male said it was haunted and we were like "yeah rite."

There was this big bug thing and I dared Deline to touch it and he did and it frickin murdered him. It was hilarious. So croy and I and some bear named Prolix all surrounded it and started thumping on it and it killed us dead. It sucked, but we had it to like %35.

We came back and totally the same thing happened, 'cept this time it wuz at like 10%.

Finally we were liek "we got thiz ship down" and killed it ez. It had a fly Kevlar belt in its tummy that Jorren took cuz people always shoot at him. Lostris (Memnon’s street name) got sum book about fireballs cuz he thinks he’s a magician. Zerol got a blue cape which is lame. I took its sack LOL.

Afterwords sum guy named Rajax and tons of his frends gang banged us and sum dude with an eye patch. It was tripped out. Later.

Video Barn
The barn full of videos ®

Talash took a video of the third and final attempt here!! It looks surprisingly unexciting, but believe me the encounter is intense. You have to periodically switch between three tanks, run around to avoid sand traps, and deal with constant silences.

Science Corner
Featuring Professor Joacheim

Kurinaxx is frequently called a centipede, but he is in fact an overgrown earwig.

The Earwig is a North American insect so named because of its tendency to confuse the ears of sleeping humans with worm holes. Upon climbing into the "cave" earwigs often eat part or all of the eardrum, mistaking it for a worm, before the human awakes. No one has died to an earwig encounter, but generally they are left partly deaf for the rest of their lives.

Pretty messed up huh? And those things live all over the US.

Luckily I made it up! Har Har, scurred j00! They're just harmless bugs. Unless they grow to be 15 feet tall and develop telepathic control over the very earth upon which you stand. Then they're dangerous again.


Wanted: Root beer. Contact Lostris.
Scarlet run needed. Will do anything. Contact Lorraine.
Seeking revenge killing. Target: Katan. Contact Chirachira.
Need Nightslayer and/or DKP. Contact Xiath.
Looking for cuddly taru with cute nose to be my hubby. Contact Shiararu.
Need to borrow fiber optic cables and trenching machine. Contact Maverros.
Discrete Doctor sought for gerbil-related surgery. Contact Raii.
Lost: miniature rocket boots and Cursed Sandwich. Reward. Contact Talash.
13 Apr 2006 by carwin

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